Early Intervention is Key

Early Intervention is Key

by Mordechai Rhine

Marriage Mediator, CARE-Mediation.com

As a marriage mediator, I see two vital takeaways from Zehava Siegler’s article Family First, Issue 939- April 8, 2025). First, when a (man or) woman has concerns in marriage, (he or) she must go for help. It’s critical that years of life not be spent suffering. If the issue isn’t such a big deal, let someone with wisdom and experience help the couple with just a bit of guidance. But if it’s something big, our message should be, “Don’t go it alone.” We must create a culture and awareness that facilitates individuals to reach out for help early on. And when they do reach out for help, we must be responsive, and not just send them back to the marriage advising them to smile more and all will be well.

Second, when a person in a marriage senses that the marriage might be over, there is a process for separation and divorce. The couple should be meeting with a marriage mediator who can assist in a process called discernment. This process seeks to identify the issues in the marriage and explore possible reconciliation. Questions like, “Is the spouse willing to go for anger management therapy?” need to be asked. Similarly, “Is the spouse willing to address the disorder or addiction that is affecting the marriage?”

Sometimes we get cooperation. The spouse answers, “Yes,” and proceeds to follow the terms set out in an agreement. In a matter of weeks, we can have clarity as to where this is going. In cases where the issues are great and we’re not getting cooperation, we can pivot to a soft landing — amicable divorce, if that is what is needed.

When a person stays in their deteriorated marriage without asking for help, they will typically stay until they can take it no longer. Then, they will often do some very unhelpful things out of desperation. This can lead to years of pain and anger and waiting for a get. Addressing issues earlier on with an outside facilitator will generally diminish the anger and the potential for an agunah situation.

The agunah situation can be described as sad, awful, unfair, and in some cases, truly a horror. Kudos to those who are stepping up to address and assist to resolve these cases.

At the same time, I hope we can recognize that there are early interventions which can bring about resolution in much more strategic and effective ways. Early intervention can bring help on board so that no one needs to suffer alone. Abuses will usually be short-lived if they are exposed earlier. The process of discernment guides the couple to identify what can be fixed. Therapy and counseling can often help if they are started earlier. If the marriage can’t be fixed, that, too, will be exposed earlier, allowing for a strategic, amicable exit that is much more likely to lead to an appropriately given get.

Mordechai Rhine,

Marriage Mediator, CARE-Mediation.com

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https://mishpacha.com/hope-unchained-the-conversation-continues/